CN: talk of suicide, bullying and abuse
Yesterday I was subject to the most gross ableist attack by someone I had thought was a close friend. In her words, she accused me of ‘using my illness to get everything’. She was seething with vitriol, practically spitting the words.
I presume she meant that by having comorbid diagnoses of Bipolar II and BPD, I’m somehow able to swan around my penthouse suite that my oh-so-fortunate disability has ‘won’ me, being attended to by vast swathes of semi naked servants who are wafting me with gold plated fig leaves. When I get bored of swanning, I can go out to my high-powered job that I’ve managed to snag by virtue of being mental, because mental people get all the best jobs, don’t they? Then I can come home to my loving husband, children and stable family life.
I have HAD it with pathetic and nasty jealousies, of oppression one-upmanship and everyone staking claim to some disadvantage more than others. I am sick to the back teeth of having to justify how fucking difficult my life is to people who should know better. Of having to justify the money I live on to people who are able to earn themselves a living in a way that I cannot, as hard as I have tried. Why am I constantly having to demonstrate my illness to people who claim to be allies?
If you have a problem with me, speak to me. We’re not twelve. Or if you don’t want to speak to me, get the hell away. Don’t stick around pretending to be nice, take take taking my emotional energy, telling me I’m so great, all the while seething your festering resentment. It’s childish and deplorable and it’s called gaslighting. If you really think that I get so many advantages because of my physical and mental illnesses I wish to god you could walk in my fucking shoes for a day. Actually, you’d be unlikely to even put them on, since I can’t leave the house alone. So privileged, much advantage.
You can dislike me. You can dislike my behaviour. You can refuse to accept my profuse and multiple apologies for acting like a dick when I’ve been unwell. But know that when you attack me for my disability, that is ableist behaviour. You are exercising your power to attack someone disabled for their disability. If you want to do that, know that you are ableist.
When you attack someone with BPD who already has constant suicidality and a fucking ruptured and fragile sense of self, know that you are knowingly causing harm beyond what a non-disabled person would experience.
When you accuse me of using my illness to bully people and get what I want, know that you’re silencing me from one of the few outlets I have – to speak about my illness, my disability and the structural oppressions I face.
When you say to me that I use my disability to bully people, I hear that you actually don’t believe it’s a disability at all. If you’re not prepared to accept the very few and limited occasions that my illness has made me act like a dick (obviously I’ve acted like a dick on many many other occasions, completely unrelated to any mental health diagnosis), and you’re not prepared to accept my apologies or reparations for that shitty behaviour, then really you should not enter into friendships with disabled people. Because you’re giving us the false impression that you might, you know, actually show some empathy and understanding.
But that’s just me expecting special treatment.
Further reading: this is a nice quick blog about the behaviour of people with BPD.